The Hub of my Entertainment

I must say, I have the best husband ever! We've been together since 2003, got married in 2006, lived at 5 different addresses together, and have laughed so much together that it's amazing that we ever get anything done. Not only is JB very funny, but he's a good cook, athletic, and he is currently working on his Ph.D. Somehow I ended up with everything wonderful wrapped up in my husband. And I love him for it.

I have plenty of stories about him that I could tell - but today I'm just going to tell one. I can't ruin future blog-post possibilities.

JB was a substitute teacher after he graduated from college while he was waiting for me to graduate. I love listening to teachers' stories. Kids say and do some of the funniest things - but you can't get too angry with them for what they do...you just have to laugh. The best thing is - in the midst of all the hilarity that was substitute teaching, JB still was funnier than the kids.

One day (probably after a night of too much Taco Bell) JB came home after school with his "I just did something bad" look on his face. I see this face often. I asked him what had happened at school.

It seems that my oh-so-wonderful husband had major foul-smelling flatulence problems during class. The "Silent but Deadly" kind. He devised a plan to use this fact to his own enjoyment without having to lose the face of the professional teacher. JB decided it was time for all of the students to silently work on their own work - and he would go around and help out with any questions they might have. Whenever he would be standing near a student he would let out his silent stink bomb right before he left to go help another student. He'd wait a bit, help a couple more students, then let off another stinker next to another unsuspecting student.

By the end of class there were several students being accused of smelling up the classroom. Who would have thought to blame their teacher?

JB - I love you! Thank you for keeping me smiling.

Doggy Poo - The Movie

I've been sitting here waiting for one of my work computer programs to load. While waiting I decided I should think about the next thing I should post about. I'm only 24 but even in a short amount of time I have a host of stories, experiences, and situations that I can write about. I decided to go for one of the stranger things that I've ever seen. Doggy Poo - The Movie.


While my husband and I were dating he was an intern youth pastor at a Korean Church. Once he graduated and went on to get his Masters I decided to go with a few friends to the church for a Sunday service. I wanted to say hi to the teens that I had become close with, and I wanted to show my friends where I had helped my husband work for several months. I had no idea that the day would end up being something that we still talk about.

California Red, LB (her blog here), and two other friends joined me. We walked into the sanctuary, sat down with the youth group, and were informed that it was the perfect day of us to be there because they were going to show a movie as the main church service....and it was in English!


The opening scene of this cute little cartoon panned over a farm and zoomed into an adorable little puppy. Immediately the puppy squatted, pushed out a turd and then trotted off. And then low and behold - the turd came to life! His saga began. Here is what Wikipedia says about it:

"After being "created" by a dog, Doggy Poo meets various living and inanimate things. No one wants to be his friend, and Doggy Poo becomes sad because he believes he is worthless and has no purpose. Eventually, a plant grows out of the ground and tells Doggy Poo that she needs him to grow into a flower. Doggy Poo discovers his life purpose and he becomes absorbed by the flower. After being absorbed by the flower, Doggy Poo lives 'a happy life'."

I challenge you to find a movie more random than that. I am now the proud owner of a copy of this 30 minute gem. It has been the central point in many conversations. Congratulations Korean Movie Makers - you have struck gold with your idea of follow the life of dog waste.

Yup, you officially made it WORSE

Plane flights can be good, bad, or indifferent. Most of us enjoy shortening our long drives by instead choosing to hop on a plane and be to our destination in a fraction of the time. I did just that this weekend. My younger sister graduated from college so I booked a flight from Denver to Oklahoma City. By passing the endless nothingness that is Kansas was a bonus.

The flight there was just fine. Plenty of room, had a movie to watch, and even though it was late the flight was pretty good.

The flight home was not ideal. In fact, by the end of it I had a good sized headache.

It was simply the last 20 minutes that made me wish I had the peace of endless Kansas grass. I always feel sorry for parents who end up with an unruly child on an airplane. Last time I checked smothering or shaking your child is still considered a no-no. Putting a kid in an environment where they are unfamiliar, the air pressure changes suddenly, they are forced to sit in one place for an extended period of time, and turbulence a recipe for crying and screaming.

The child on this flight went past the threshold of my patience level - and I felt awful for her parents. For 20 minutes straight this child screamed "NO NO NO" at the top of her lungs. It was in a rhythm that mimics a broken record. Later I realized that she lost her pacifier but her parents couldn't do anything about it due to the decent of the plane. They had to stay put - with a little monster on their hands.

I can be understanding of that situation. It wasn't the child that pushed me over the top. It was the lady sitting in front of me...

As if everyone on the plane isn't uncomfortable enough after hearing the tests of lung capacity from a small child - this particular lady decided she'd step in. I can only assume that she was drunk - because, well, who else would do this? The over sized, beer hat toting lady in front of me decided that she would also test her lung capacity - and started screaming "YES YES YES" over and over again at the child. When told to stop she simply said "Well, someone had to do something about the brat".

Yup - I wasn't sure my flight could get worse - but it did. Have you ever tried to reason with a drunk? I wasn't about to start trying. Her flight companion didn't do a great job either. I simply glanced over at the man sitting next to me and we exchanged exhausted looks of disbelief.

I'm beginning to think that shaking or smothering drunk people who decide to add to bad situations should be acceptable.

California Red's Answer to the BS Pilot

You have to admire a person that can keep their cool in terrible situations. After yet another bizarre meeting with the BS Pilot, California Red decided to vent her frustration in a way that not only amused her - but had me laughing. Ben Folds could have been talking about her when he wrote "Selfless, Cold, and Composed". Score one for the good team!

Now, with her permission I'm going to share with you the brilliance my beautiful friend came up with. California Red - Great job on keeping your head up and finding ways to keep laughing through the mess! BS Pilot didn't know what he was dealing with when he tried picking on you!

How to Forfend a Pernicious, Harebrained Imbecile

A mulish screwball makes for a brilliant target by starting with the timeless arsenal of wit. Break the mindless rampage of a nut's circular reasoning with a swift Twain-nian kick to the noggin such as, "all generalizations are false, including this one."

Listening to a cortically subilluminated individual's spiel is like wading through glue. Quickly divert the vacuous monologue with a quick old fashioned, "your mom." The obtuse individual is likely to refute by saying, "no, YOUR mom is (blank)." Spice it up by slowly modifying the original statement until it is something completely new. For example, progress from "your momma is so fat" to "no, YOUR momma is so PHAT that she makes Princess Leia look like Yoda."

A great way to build rapport with an imbecile is to share a sincere compliment such as, "you're smarter than you look." This is bound to butter up even the most asinine of morons.

Mirroring is another wonderful way of affectionately communicating the message, "this is what you look like." So, when your antics fail, stare at the dimwit's forehead with your mouth slightly open. This nonverbal communication is highly effective and will inevitably lead to a false sense of feeble minded camaraderie.

Freddy Krueger Reincarnated as a Troll?

Finally - I can put a specific description to The Troll's laugh. I decided for my own sanity I needed to be able to accurately describe who this lady sounded like when she....cackled... With the help of TNT I was able to come up with Freddy Krueger.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXROPcU6SDA


Here, listen to it yourself! It truly is what she sounds like! After sending this link to those important at my office - everyone said this really nailed her laugh. Now I'm sharing it with you. It'll help put into perspective why her threatening to blow me up was so scary.


The other day The Troll went to TNT's cubicle to order him to tell "That Girl" (me - of course) that I needed to look for such-and-such on blah blah blah. While examining her issue The Troll mentioned to TNT that he and "That Girl" didn't want to mess with her. Why? She likes blowing things up. Her response to TNT's question of what she likes to blow up?? "Oh, you don't want to know *cackle*. Let's just say you don't want it to happen."


Uh, scary!


Who has co-workers like this!?!


Then, Friday I came in late due to a doctor's appointment. TNT was ready with another Troll Story. She came by his desk again needed to complain about "That Girl". She disagreed with something I had done. After looking at the issue TNT decided that what I did was correct. For some reason this just made The Troll even more angry. She bypassed the cackle and simply growled - and then walked away.


This week the lady who normally helps shield us from The Troll is on vacation. If you hear that I died from a freak accident with acid - or from an explosion... HIDE!

Failed Attempts at Normalcy

There are things in life that I take pride in. My photography, my work ethic, and the fact I snagged a good looking wonderful husband. However, sadly - there are MANY things that no matter how hard I try - I fall short of average. Being girly is one of those things. Being "cool" is another. My husband finds it his duty to point out the different ways that I have missed the bar by a mile, and we always have a good laugh. If you can't laugh at yourself for your shortcomings - how can you be able to laugh at others at theirs?? :-) Believe me - I have plenty of things I've done that call for a good laugh.


Here are a few of the odd things about me, the funny things I've done when trying too hard, and other stupid things that have happened that just make me laugh.

• Two years ago I tried making my husband breakfast in bed for his birthday... I ended up waking him up with the fire alarm.
  
  
• Every time I try to paint my nails (which I do not to have them painted, but to enjoy the process of painting them) - my husband asks me why I'm painting my fingers. I never fail to paint as much of my fingers as my nails.
  
  
• Lately I've noticed that girls many times wear rings on their thumbs. I pulled out of my jewelry container a ring that someone gave to me in high school and put it on my thumb. To make it fit - I wrapped tape around the bottom side of it. My husband saw things and asked me why I was wearing a taped ring. My answer? "I was trying to look cool!"
  
  
• My Uncle Steve, my dad's brother, came in town one day with his wife and kids. Right before we went out to lunch with him I searched everywhere for my fleece - knowing that this is the type of thing he'd wear. My husband caught me and has made fun of me sense when I wear it - saying it's what I wear when I'm trying to look cool.
  
  
• My first date in college, with my husband, I had to have a girl from down the hall help me do my makeup. I was clueless.
  
  
• 3 hours before my Senior Prom I got back from crawling through a cave covered head to two in mud. It took my mom and both of my sisters helping clean me up to be able to make it in time.
  
  
• First time I tried to flip eggs - I flipped them past my pan and straight to the back of the kitchen sink.
  

I'm sure I will end up with several blog posts of other stupid things I've done. These are just a few for the day.

What can I say? I'm not girly, not cool, and prone to accidents. Keeps life interesting!

Too Predictable when Pretty Girls are Around

Sometimes people are just too predictable, you know? For instance, every time I go to Casa Bonita with my in-laws I can tell you exactly how the entire evening is going to go. It is systematic, but at the same time I feel comfort being able to participate in their rituals. I am officially a part of them. I belong.

Being able to predict what people will do has become a game for me. I've learned that the way to find the most fulfilment in my game is by telling someone my prediction - and let them watch things unfold along with me. I get to gloat and the other person gets to enjoy the amusement.

"I*Heart*TT" happens to be one of those people that is very predictable. Men that pride themselves on their "relationship skills" tend to fall into the "wannabe player" category - and end up being highly predictable. This guy is a serial "guy friend". His philosophy on dating includes being "friends" with as many girls and not getting serious until he finds "the one" that he wants to risk it all for. Each of these women have heard from him how amazing and wonderful he thinks they are - but then he is baffled as to why they see him as something more than just a friend.

Well, a couple of weeks ago she started riding the bus. The New Girl happened to be a friend of my Bus Buddy - and so I got to meet her. From the moment I saw her I knew that I*Heart*TT would have his radar fixed on her. Not only is the New Girl very pretty, athletic, and a good dresser - she's also very sweet, successful, and quite smart. My Bus Buddy and I decided after two days of her riding the bus that we should warn her. What she decided to do with the warning was up to her.

My Bus Buddy and I mentioned to her that I*Heart*TT would go through his usual motions. He would first make sure she knew he was around by joining our conversation - though not on the topic at hand. Then he would realize that wouldn't work and he'd sit back with his dating book and his Bible. These things would tell her that he's looking, and that he's a Christian. Then - if that didn't work, and my Bus Buddy and I didn't give her the chance to chat - he'd then ask about her....and then eventually create a situation where he has to meet her.

That afternoon he sat right behind the three of us. To give you an idea of how things generally on the bus - when my Bus Buddy is around he ignores me. At one point he even made his annoyance quite apparent that I had more than one person I talked to. That afternoon was different. He asked me for a pen, how our day was, etc. None of this was within the natural flow of what was going on. It was obvious. It had started.

The next day he "happened" to run into my Bus Buddy downtown - the proceeded to make small talk. From what I heard, it was awkward. I guess if you make it obvious that you don't like someone and then suddenly try to be their friend - the smart one will see right through it. And then that evening on the ride home he sat near my Bus Buddy and the New Girl (I wasn't there - I was told later) and tried to force himself into their conversation.

A few days went by - and he seemed to have given up. He sat back with his dating book and his Bible and acted as though the three of us didn't exist. A move had to be made for him completely go through my prediction. And then it came....

I got an email at work...

"I noticed how beautiful that girl who you guys were talking with on the bus this morning. I just noticed she has been riding on the bus lately to. I have not introduced myself yet because I don't want her to think I am hitting on her. I tend to not introduce myself to women who I am attracted to for some reason. I am sure she is not single anyways......... She seems nice."

He then told me that he's been interested in this other girl...blah...blah...blah. (So much for the other girl being the wonderful/amazing/special person he said...he was already looking again) I told him he didn't have a chance. Can't fool me. Playing coy not wanting to have her think he's hitting on her.... We all saw through it.... And we laughed! I hit a home run on that prediction!

Some guys just can't take no for an answer - or "you don't have a chance". That night the New Girl and I rode the bus together without my Bus Buddy. I*Heart*TT decided he'd move in for the kill. While I was talking to the New Girl while waiting for the bus he walked up, gave me a big hug - and started to talk to me as though she wasn't there. Well, not wanting to forget my manners I broke down and introduced them. She was kind - but didn't open herself up for questions, nor did she ask any questions. Once the bus came he realized that he needed to go to the back of the line because he had cut in front of several people. He lost.

His loss, my amusement, my victory!

International Jan Green Appreciation Day

Today is International Jan Green Appreciation Day. Every year on April 29th we take the time to show my aunt, Jan Green, how much we appreciate her.

As the story goes - she decided she wasn't appreciated enough one day. She declared the day to be National Jan Green Appreciation Day. Then she found out the Irish were celebrating the beautiful green color the same day - so International Jan Green Appreciation Day was born.

My Aunt Jan is one of the most wonderful, giving, loving, ornery, stubborn, ... , person I've ever known! :-) I can't really tell you how cool of a person she is. You'd just have to meet her.

To celebrate International Jan Green Appreciation Day my Uncle Rick decided to create a Facebook page under her name without her knowing it. Then he decided he would get as many people in on it as possible, switch the email account to her account, and watch to see what happened when she ended up with ten thousand Facebook related emails.

Aunt Jan's Response: What's on my mind? Do you all really want to know that? Okay, I'll tell you... Rick Green is a dead man!

I love you Aunt Jan! And boy do I appreciate you!

Green Card Anyone?

Sometimes I find myself in situations that make me question "How in the world did I even get here?" Some of the guys I dated in high school for instance. What possessed me to think that they were even worth my time? I'm sure that those who know me well have been asking themselves the same question.


Fortunately - even when life becomes one big tangled mess there are still things that can be found to bring amusement. And through this life's struggles - I strive to find as many things I can laugh about as possible, even with the situations that brought them up are less than ideal.


Take for instance my friend in So Cal. We've been friends since college. If you can picture a beautiful red-head in a pencil skirt and high heels walking to class next to a tall awkward girl wearing over sized sweat pants and a jersey - you've pictured us. Yes, I'm the awkward one. Over the last few years we've seen a lot of good times together and a lot of difficult times.


She was a bridesmaid in my wedding - and a few months ago she bestowed on me the honor of being her Maid of Honor in her wedding.


Here is where her tangled mess begins. Have you ever known anyone that seemed to be one person - then a switch seems to go off and they turn from Jekyll to Hyde? Well, this happened to her very quickly after she got married. Long story - but now California Red is finding herself smack dab in the middle of a divorce. After a two month marriage you'd think that dissolving this mess would be text book and easy. Not so much.


Fortunately - her soon to be ex-husband has proven himself to be a great source of amusement, even though that's not what he's intending to be. Acting as his own attorney, when he signs all letters that he sends to her attorney with his name and "BS, Pilot" behind it. Somehow having a bachelor's degree and a pilot's license (and almost $100K in debt because of them) is now worthy of note. Hooray! I have something to show for those 4 years now! BS! I wonder if I can put "Ice Cream Truck Vendor" behind my name too.


Yesterday California Red went to a mediation hearing in attempts to simply rid herself of this BS Pilot. He summed up his reason for drawing this out quite clearly. "I don't want to leave this with nothing." I guess for a guy who gets paid under the table working for his dad who happens to be in debt up to his ears might as well try to prostitute himself however he can. Sad thing is that my friend was the unexpected John. She thought love - he saw money.


The Mediator suggested that California Red and BS Pilot should go the route of bifurcation in this divorce (basically they go back to "single" status even if the divorce process takes longer than the 6 month California waiting period). After this process was explained twice through BS Pilot requested that the Mediator "lower" the explanation so that he could understand. After a swift kick under the table from his dad - BS Pilot decided to ask for "Layman's terms" not "lower terms".


Finally, after agreeing to bifurcation - BS Pilot stated that he wants to have California Red's US Citizenship proven because he now believes that she married him for a Green Card. He now wants an annulment. Though California Red was born in Brazil - her parents were there as missionaries and she has dual citizenship. Bringing this up is absurd to say the very least.


The list of things he said in this meeting that scream "I'm a Moron" is long but distinguished. I'm sure before the end of all this I will have even more to laugh about.


I'll end with this: What is it that he was upset that she took when she moved out? The Vacuum. At least the BS Pilot cares about cleanliness.

I *Heart* Tim Tebow

I am a Denver Broncos fan.

I have been since I was a kid. I watched games with my dad through their good times and bad. Elway was (and still is) American Royalty.

The 2010 NFL Draft just happened, and to say my husband was less than thrilled with the Broncos' First Round pick of Tim Tebow is an understatement. He seemed to find it moronic. The morning after the pick I rode my bus (love my bus) and was immediately asked my thrill seeking Bus Buddy my thoughts on the Tim Tebow choice. He was also less than thrilled. I began to think that the City of Denver held a common opinion about this decision.

I was wrong.

I got to work and He emailed me. The same man that thanks God daily for allowing him to be significant in so many women's lives. The same man who thinks that his stomach doesn't contain any acid in it because that would reflect badly on his perfectly shaped abs. Yes, that man.

Actually, he emailed his ENTIRE contact list (yup, I'm special). The email implied that Tebow was drafted as an act of God. Now we should praise God that we have Tebow playing for the Broncos. I'm sure you can picture the enormous eye roll that this email got from me.

As I'm sure you've realized, Mr. I*Heart*Tim Tebow has already been a source of much amusement for me. He also rides my bus - and was one of the first people I got to know on the bus. He's an attractive single man in his early 30s. A business man now, he used to play Arena Football semi-professionally until an injury left him SOL. He likes to point out that people like us, young and attractive (really?? Thanks - but no thanks) have a rough life. So many people pine after us but yet we have to say no.

Few things in this life amuse me more than watching someone who sees them self as "God's Gift to the World". With his faith, constant reading of the Bible, and Christian dating books - the idea of "God's Gift to women" cannot be expressed more literally. Don't get me wrong, as a Christian myself I find faith, Bible reading, prayer, etc very important. Call it lack of faith on my part - but I'm sorry, I do not believe that God had a whole lot to do with the NFL draft. If so, I feel sorry for all of those heathen players who can let go of the ball in a timely manner who didn't think to pray.

Tonight's To Do List: Pray about being drafted into the NFL - specifically the Broncos. Amen.